"Be confident... but not that confident."
My mantra for 2020 has been “OWN YOUR SPACE QUEEN”
If you ever heard me in conversations with my girlfriends, I’m the one who will always be your biggest cheerleader. Some of my most used phrases are;
“You’re a boss, warrior queen.”
“Stop apologising. Own your space.”
“Do it, what have you got to lose!”
So on and so on…. you get the vibe.
Two days ago, my housemate was struggling to post about her success at work on Instagram. I had to give her a 30 minute pep talk about how fabulous and hardworking she is. How she shouldn’t have to apologise or feel like she has to underplay her achievements. “Don’t dim your light! It’s your time to shine girlfriend!” So she posted about it. It turns out, her friends and family were very supportive and kind.
I have similar conversations, day in and day out with beautiful, strong, talented women. Everyone seems so determined to hide away.
I feel like there has been a shift in me this year. I’m not sure whether it’s because I am single again, or if it’s because I’m in my 30’s and I am tired of having to apologise for who I am. Maybe it’s because 2020 has been a real jerk of a year? I don’t know why, all I know.. I have changed.
I have spent my entire life constantly beating myself up. My self-worth has had an ugly and brutal battle through my teens and twenties. Never feeling like I’m good enough, smart enough, pretty enough… blah blah blah. The self destructive tape would play over and over, which quite literally nearly killed me. I spent years seeing a therapist to quieten down those voices - they still show their head from time to time, but I have detached myself from those thoughts. I have learnt to think of them as thoughts, not as actual facts about myself and I’ll try to pinpoint what has happened to have triggered the tape to start playing.
Here I am, 31 single and fabulous. That’s how I describe myself these days, mostly for a laugh with friends, but I do actually feel good about myself and where I am in life. I always thought ‘I want to find the love of my life by the time I am 24’ Hilarious, I know. Then it changed to 28. Now, I don’t care. Genuinely. I am just feeling really good about my life. I have a beautiful home full of books and candles, two dogs, an incredible family, amazing friendships, a job I absolutely love. And for the first time in my life, I am feeling good about my body.
Which comes to my whole point for writing this story.
I spent my twenties, hiding under a black cap, wearing baggy clothes… which is absolutely fine. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. You do you queen! But I was wearing clothes like that because I felt extremely insecure about my body. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable.
In my winter break in 2019 - I went to Bali with my girlfriends, and I cried because I felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed wearing a bikini, I decided then and there, it was time for a change.
My goal was to feel confident in my body. I signed up to a gym and took baby steps getting back into shape. I have always been active, but never dedicated. It started with two sessions a week, and I worked my way up from up there. Now a year later, I happily go to the gym 4-5 days a week and I see a personal trainer twice a week. I am feeling really good mentally and physically.
Then, the judgement comes. Oh golly goodness, the judgement. In my personal life, I am surrounded by the kindest, beautiful people. So the judgment and opinions from others about how I am living my life, always catches me by surprise. Yesterday, I received some new bikinis. I put them on, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t hate myself in swimwear. I showed my housemate and she was all praise “Yes girl, you are looking fit and fabulous!” All my hard work at the gym was paying off. I had achieved my goal, to feel confident in my body. I was vibing, I took a photo in my new bikinis and posted it to instagram.
All my friends were all praise, of course. They’re good like that, building their sister up. But many people were not happy.
“THIS IS UNLIKE YOU.”
”YOU ARE A BAD ROLE MODEL.”
”YOUNG GIRLS LOOK UP TO YOU.”
”YOU LOOK BETTER WITH MORE WEIGHT.”
So on and so on….
To be fair, I don’t normally post pictures like that. But I felt good, and I’ve worked hard. After texting my life advisor/best friend a string of messages, tossing up whether or not I should delete it. His advice was “just do what you feel comfortable with.” hmmm.. not helpful. I’ll rattle on for a bit longer to you, until I come to a decision myself.
I deleted it.
It was just easier to do that, than deal with people’s judgment about my body or their opinions about what I should or shouldn’t be posting. I’m still trying to figure out how navigate my way through social media. I don’t have the answers. But after I deleted it, I couldn’t help but think that despite everyone saying they want women to accept their flaws and have body confidence. Maybe what they really mean is:
”Be confident… but not that confident.”
Despite how deflated I am feeling right now in this moment.. my 2020 mantra still lives on
“OWN YOUR SPACE QUEEN.”