Alyssia's Story

I can feel my heart beating fast, the nauseousness in my stomach and the sweatiness of my hands as I write this. That's the anxiety's way of trying to deter me, but I'm fighting it. I'm still in the midst of my journey, but I'm getting there and I would like to share my progress so far.

In July 2015, I was in the midst of year 12, enjoying my friendships and studying hard. One week, my Mum was really stressed about something at work. It ended up being okay, but that stress triggered a part of her that had been trying to break free for 13 years.

I can't include every little detail, but I will try to summarise everything. Over about a week, she deteriorated rapidly - she was crying constantly, not showering, having arguments with Dad ''I'm useless!'' and thought she'd killed people hurt half of Adelaide, and that my sisters and I weren't safe. My mum suffered from a guilt-based psychotic depression, which had been controlled for 13 years with medication. A bit of stress brought up an episode, and because she was so selfless and always put others above herself, she relied too heavily on medication and couldn't help herself when they stopped working.

I didn't understand her condition until she came to my room crying and told me she'd killed someone and was 'worse than Martin Bryant', and Dad had to tell me she had psychosis, and was having 'fake memories'. Because my mum was so selfless, the guilt of these 'memories' destroyed her. Despite my dad trying to get her help, she opportunistically took her own life a week after that initial stress.

My world came crashing down around me.

I never thought that would happen to anyone in my family. The pain and shock of losing a loved one unexpectedly is like nothing else. A few days before she died, she said to me ''make sure you do your best with year 12, promise me you won't give up''. And so that's what I did. I made it my mission to get as perfect a result as I could, and ended up with a 99.25 ATAR with 3 A+. It was great, and to anyone else, it was an amazing story of determination and resilience. I was happy I had pushed through the grief for my Mum.

But on the inside, I was struggling and it was the start of my anxiety and perfectionism.

From then, I started feeling sick to my stomach whenever I felt worried about something or thought I didn't do something well enough, or if i got less than perfect on a Uni test. It extended to the point where this nauseous feeling was constantly there, for no good reason. I couldn't break free of it. It drove me crazy, and looking back over the last few years, I can't think of many moments this feeling hasn't been with me.

I would study long hours disregarding my health to make sure I got a perfect mark, but no matter what mark I got, I would feel like a failure. Many conversations I have had with new people, I would stutter over my words as I analysed what the best response was to make sure I would impress them.

I was constantly critical of myself and others and would mentally obsess constantly over conversations, future scenarios, my comment on a post or what people thought of a photo I posted.

What has hurt me the most is the way this anxious perfectionism has affected me mentally in my relationship. I have an amazing partner, we have been together for 2 years and he is so caring, wonderful and fun, and we always support each other and communicate well.

From the start, I was plagued with constant obsessive thoughts about whether he was right for me, analysing every little aspect of our relationship, asking questions in Google, creating false thoughts and images in my head of him in a previous relationship, comparing myself obsessively to his ex, and seeking constant reassurance. I would cry to him in sadness and confusion because I HATED having these obsessive thoughts, they weren't what I really thought and I knew he was great for me and I enjoyed being with him, but the thoughts would eat away at me. A constant battle in my head of what's true and what's false.

All of these things, I still struggle with.

The obsessive thoughts come and go. The perfectionism tries to break me, and sometimes it does. It has lessened over the past year as I have discovered that what I have is anxiety, perfectionism and relationship OCD, and it isn't real. Just knowing that has helped a bit, and I have also tried meditation, and seeing a psychologist. I'm not as consistent as I need to be, and so I do still struggle, although not as constantly as I did. But although I can feel the knot in my stomach and the sweat and hear the thoughts, I try my best to push through them and don't let them stop me from enjoying life, and not let this anxiety take control.

Apart from close friends and family I've told, no one would know I struggle from these things. They wouldn't see the constant sick feeling in my stomach while I'm talking to them, or the anxiety and fear of failure after receiving a Uni grade back. They don't see the obsessive thoughts and false scenarios/images that sometimes plague my mind. That's why it is so important to seek help if you feel like something isn't right. You might not even know yourself that you struggle from a mental illness.

It is enlightening when you realise that what you are feeling or the thoughts you are having isn't you, and that it can be managed.

I'm writing this not as a success story, but a story for those who are in the midst of it like me. It's hard, but I can look back and see the improvement as I have been diagnosed and sought help. I struggle still, but I try my best to push through and not let the thoughts and feelings get in the way of me doing what I want to do, because in the middle of the journey, when the anxiety still wants to torment you, all you can do is keeping trying and focus on what you've learnt on your journey so far.

We can and will get through this xx