I'm 57 years old and as far as I can remember I have suffered with depression and anxiety. This has affected my marriage and especially being a mother!

After my son was born the anxiety and depression worsened. I believed I was a terrible mother because I felt so anxious about everything being perfect which made my depression worse. I was on medication which didn't help. I also was seeing a psychiatrist.

I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years. It always got in the way of my relationships because men wouldn’t understand my moods, the depth of my emotions or why I couldn’t just pick myself out of my episodes. There were nights I’d go to sleep and wish I wouldn’t wake up. There were days I’d wake up wishing I hadn’t woken up at all. Depression became a norm for me, and I felt strange if I was okay, because the fearful anticipation of a depressive episode was debilitating.

I struggled with depression and anxiety for years. I suffered bullying, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I’ve struggled with a separated family my whole life. For a long time the only person I had to rely on was myself, until I found some amazing people to help me through.

My name is Mel and I use my anxiety as my ‘superpower’. About a year ago I suffered panic attacks and had a really tough time. My world felt like it was crashing down. I was dizzy, had back and neck pain, felt insecure and paranoid, lost my confidence, scared, worried and would google all my symptoms (which made me feel worse). I will never forget the fear I felt during this time, wondering what is wrong with me?

Growing up, life hasn’t been easy for me, 7 days before my 17th birthday I lost my soul mate, my best friend and at the time the love of my life. My partner was in a horrific car crash and killed himself in 2006. I blamed myself for years and years, and to this day it still affects and haunts me.

Mothering whilst fighting an eating disorder has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done. There are no words to describe how excruciating it has been to miss the moments, hours, days, with my children. The guilt and the sorrow is unbearably painful. No one speaks of mothering with anorexia.

As far back as I can remember, I have always had some form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When I was younger my family and I referred to it as my ‘habits’ that I would do – close every single drawer and cupboard in the house, check under my bed and out the window a certain amount of times each night before I went to bed, say ‘love ya’ to my family every time they left the house, etc etc.

I am 41 years old and I have suffered with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I was bullied at school, from Primary right through to Senior School. Because of this, I became Anorexic as it was something I could control.