Outwardly I appear to have it all together (always smiling and usually happy), but inwardly it’s like I’m dying. I have panic disorder and to a lesser extent agoraphobia and OCD. I am now in my fifties and my family have no idea I suffer from these things (I feel too ashamed to admit to them). The panic disorder got so bad at one stage that I couldn’t do normal things like go to a supermarket or the cinema or even go for a walk. If I have to go somewhere unfamiliar to me i will make any excuse not to go.

2014 was a year that changed everything for me. Leaving my partner of 5 years after emotional blackmail and abuse and physical abuse. As toxic as the relationship was I could never bring myself to leave. I suddenly fell pregnant……

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. My struggle is constant and I don't always recognise it in every situation but its always there looming over me and takes a hold of every decision I make. I have come so far from where I was and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

For a long as I can remember I have dealt with a crippling sense of inadequacy. As a young girl I had the core belief that I was not good enough - there was always a reason I was not good enough. Eventually at the age of 17, I had a nervous breakdown. My doctor informed me I had generalised anxiety disorder and mild/ moderate depression. In that moment I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

‘You have the most beautiful smile I’ve seen all day.’ These were the words spoken to me on the hardest day of my life. And these are the words I spoke to someone dear to me on the last day of theirs. At 15, my mumma bear couldn’t handle being my mum anymore. Crippled by her own mental health, she got me in the car and dropped me in the middle of a suburb with a letter apologising that she couldn’t be my mother anymore.

It all started out with one simple decision whether to get married or remain single.

I have been searching for ways to share my story and help others who are suffering, and I’m so happy to have found this website. I suffer from anxiety related habits; rubbing my eyebrows and OCD, and I’m pretty sure it stems from my childhood and school years.