6 months of ted

For two years I had this quote saved as the wallpaper on my phone

You’ll wait. You’ll pray. You’ll get frustrated. You’ll question everything. But you’ll continue to be patient. You’ll keep waiting. And you’ll keep praying. And one day, when you least expect it, it’ll finally happen. So don’t ever stop believing. Don’t ever stop trusting. And don’t ever stop hoping. God is ready to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of - but you have to understand it’s on His timing, now yours.

I had it on my phone as a constant reminder that light is coming. Hope. I needed hope. It was the only thing that kept me alive. The small tunnel of light in a heavy thick fog of darkness.

One thing I have learnt throughout my life is that you cannot outrun trauma. No matter how hard you try. You have to face its ugly head eventually. I decided at the beginning of 2021, I had to face this beast or else I am going to continue to spend my life drowning in depression. In February ‘21 - I checked myself into a mental health retreat.

At the retreat, there’s no phone, no TV, no distractions. You are paired up with a psychologist for daily sessions, followed by group psych sessions in the afternoons. Then just before dinner, they teach you all about the brain and human behaviour to help you understand mental health and illness. Throughout the day you had a variety of activities you can do to fill in the time.

I met an amazing group of humans, who I still hold very close to my heart. I will forever be grateful for my time with them. Thank you for trusting me, for being vulnerable, for supporting me, and for just being a beautiful friend to me.

I came out of the retreat feeling refreshed and excited. The very next day we discovered my step-dad, Pete, had stage 4 cancer. It felt like my life was tumbling down again. The tunnel of hope became a small freckle again. On the 6th May 2021, he lost his battle, just six weeks after his diagnosis. I was fortunate enough to take the two weeks leading up to his passing off work. I spent those weeks by my step-dad’s side with my mum, my brothers, my sister, my aunty and step-brothers. We played music, told stories, we laughed a lot and cried even more. It was a devastating blow to our family. It felt like dejavu. We had been through this all before when we lost my first step-dad, Paul, in 2012

Old grief and new grief had consumed me, and once again depression took me by the throat.

Of course, at the time covid and lockdowns were in full force, which did absolutely no favours the populations mental health.

By November, I was nursing a broken heart from a failed brief relationship. I hadn’t properly grieved my step-dad so distracting myself with romance probably wasn’t a good idea.

I’d lost weight. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to go home and be with my family. Unfortunately, due to my busy workload in Sydney, finding time to sneak down to Melbourne became near impossible.

I was barely living. So I made the decision to quit my job. I needed to go home and be with my family. I needed to feel like me again. I needed to feel their unconditional love.

It was a terrifying decision to make. I had no other job prospects or a backup plan. But I had faith. I truly believe that if you follow your intuition and do what is good for your soul, you cannot go wrong.

I’d spent the summer of 2021 - 2022 finding myself again. I was back in my hometown staying with my family. I spent quality time with my family and friends. I went for solo adventures with my dogs. It was the first time I felt like I was actually living. The light had returned to my life.

Then one day when the summer was ending, my brother and his girlfriend, Grace, called me saying they’re going to the pub and I should come. Turns out tagging along that night was the best decision I’d ever make.

It’s the classic old story, when you know you know. Jordie bounced into my world full of bright light and love. Suddenly all my failed romances made sense. My heart had been waiting for him.

Then little Ted came along - I’ve written about the pregnancy and the first few weeks with him. But now it’s been 6 months since our angel came earthside. Six. Months.

Six months of Ted has been a pure delight. Never had I known a happiness and love like this existed. During pregnancy everyone tells you how awful it’s going to be. Say goodbye to your sleep. Say goodbye to your love life. Say goodbye to your career. etc etc. While I am a huge advocate for keeping it real, I found myself rolling my eyes every time someone decided to tell me how awful it was going to be.

For sure I’m sleep deprived and no longer have the ability to construct sentences when speaking to adults. But my goodness, I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. It is an enormous privilege to be able to carry and birth a healthy little human. That privilege is not one I ever take for granted.

I can’t look at Ted without smiling. He is a beaming light in our life. Our house is silly and playful. We have so much fun as a family. We make up dumb songs just to make Ted laugh. We read books and play all the different voices. We go on adventures. We snuggle and constantly get nap-trapped. We have a rule in our house; whoever is nap-trapped gets to ask the free parent for things they need eg: water, tea, the remote. It’s a great rule and one that definitely gets taken advantage of. I will purposefully snuggle Ted to sleep so I can avoid housework for an hour or so.

Jordie and I are an amazing team. We are both patient and generous with our time and energy. We may not be perfect or get it right every time. But I have no doubt Ted can feel our unconditional love and absolute adoration for him. Ultimately, that is the most important thing.

So as I read this quote back all these years later, I can’t help but think how true it is

You’ll wait. You’ll pray. You’ll get frustrated. You’ll question everything. But you’ll continue to be patient. You’ll keep waiting. And you’ll keep praying. And one day, when you least expect it, it’ll finally happen. So don’t ever stop believing. Don’t ever stop trusting. And don’t ever stop hoping. God is ready to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of - but you have to understand it’s on His timing, now yours.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness - help is always available.

Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/home
Lifeline - 13 11 14
https://www.lifeline.org.au/
Black Dog Institute
https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/
Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800
https://kidshelpline.com.au/
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/